Sunday, July 24, 2005
Flight Chronicles
Somehow, I am posting this on blogspot.com from China despite everyone's assertation that I would not be able to. Perhaps its only reading blogs that is the problem. Here is my first leg of the trip, unedited!
Travel diary
Continental flight check in. The scaled used to measure the weight of my three pieces of checked luggage the previous night proved to be remarkably in tune with those used by Continental. I was fully prepared to encounter scales calibrated 10lbs in favor of Continental charging $130 for every over weight item. Turned out I had 67.5, 68.5, and 68lbs. So my entire life seems to have been compressed into approximately 200lbs of luggage. Not bad I guess, but there’s always the “There are people in Ethiopia…” argument.
Security checkpoint. Carrying my one-way ticket I expect the usual full cavity search reserved especially for one-way travelers. Any terrorist stupid enough to buy a one way ticket these days will have a long time to think about their mistake in guantanamo bay. Laptop out, shoes off, and through the metal detector which wastes no time in indicating my terrorist-tendancies by proclaiming, with a simple beep, that I have metal somewhere on my body. Turns out, I have metal on my jeans, in my wallet, in my pocket, and on my belt. And they even managed to find my contra-band green bic lighter. The bastards. However, the Lighter God to whom the TSA must sacrifice the thousands of confiscated lighters must be smiling down on someone with his butane colored face.
Boarding. With the cunning use of my sling, I manage to board the plane, seat 23F, while they are still boarding rows 45 to 33. I stared the Continental Agent of Plane Boarding in the Eye and won. I expect the usefulness of this tactic to decrease the closer I get to China.
As one could guess, it is mostly Japanese on the plane with a smattering of other ethnicities here and there Lucky for me, there is an empty seat between my self and my silent and apparently very cold Japanese row mate. He sat down and immediately wrapped himself in as many airline provided blankets as he could get his hands on. I hope to find him cocooned in a fine silk by the time we hit the Pacific Ocean. The seat between us immediately become a second storage space for both of us, each carfully considering the international protocol for unused seat space. A small de-militarized zone separates our possessions. Perhaps I can invade by Alberta.
Approximately 2pm New york time. Currently over Hudson Bay, Canada. On the overhead flight map screen we’ve traveled far more north than we have west. Not even past Chicago. Confidence in pilot’s navigations skills fading. Duty free cart rolling by, piled high with duty free liquor and cigarettes. What kind of business is that anyway? Would you like to buy a carton of cigarettes that you can’t smoke or how about a bottle of liquor that if you drink will inevitably lead to some sort of drunken outburst and a consequent visit to the Tokyo Narita Airport Drunk Tank. This is where all the duty free liquor purchasers predictably wind up. So stay far away from airline duty free solicitations. They even want exact change.
Still in the air. This flight is impossibly long. We are still eons from Japan. How did I ever get roped into this? How did I think a 13 hour flight would be a good idea? IN COACH! In fact, we’re nearing what seems to be the artic circle now. How can this possibly be the fastest way to Tokyo? Obviously, the terrorists have gotten to the cockpit and plan to make a daring low altitude fly-by of the Santa’s place on their way to making this flight as bad as possible for the passengers. It’s only about 3pm NY time now and the lights are all off as if we’re supposed to sleep. How???? You could get your 8 hours of officially recommended sleep and still be up in time to watch your 3rd movie. Diabolical planning by the flight attendant unions, I assume.
Time unkown. It is not even daytime in Tokyo, we have not even passed the midpoint of the Conintental USA. Someone, somewhere, is laughing at us very loudly.
Perhaps I didn’t mention that the longest flight I’ve bee on has been about 7 hours to Europe. That record is going to be shattered by what seems like DAYS at our current heading. The map shows our expected path as passing over the NORTH part of ALASKA. Yeah, and I know the world is round and all that but this can’t be right. I think I can squarely lay the blame on the powerful oil lobby. Forcing planes far off course in order to sell more oil and justifying it with some world wide conspiracy that the quickest way to places is actually much different that what it looks like on a map. Right. DAMN YOU EXXONMOBIL JET FUEL DIVISION!
Everyone is sleeping. Impossible. Obviously, I didn’t receive the drugged food that everyone else did. Must have been some Japanese code word you had to say in order to get the ether laced moist towelette. We are now on Loop 2 of the planes onboard entertainment system that on Loop 1 must have started 11 minutes before anyone got on, as that is how much I missed the beginning of the feature presentation of Robots starring Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, and Robin Williams. Imho, far better than the mediocre, at best, “The Incredibles.”
My legs are filling with blood from my brain and I’m failing to remember any of the recommended exercises that you’re supposed to do in order to keep things on the up and up with my blood flow. My row mate is no help here either since he hasn’t moved since lunch. I will now attempt to watch some BBC Top Gear while also saving as much battery life as chemistry will allow. Oh, electricity is a cruel mistress.
3:30pm NYT: If I were President, I would ban all children of the age prone to crying viciously and without regard for others from all flights. And the people would love me.
“Midnight Snack” was a hamburger with American cheese and some Edy’s Ice Cream. The burger was wrapped in plastic and microwaved. Who comes up with this stuff?
11 PM NYT: This baby has been crying for 3 hours non-stop. How that is even possible is beyond me.
Travel diary
Continental flight check in. The scaled used to measure the weight of my three pieces of checked luggage the previous night proved to be remarkably in tune with those used by Continental. I was fully prepared to encounter scales calibrated 10lbs in favor of Continental charging $130 for every over weight item. Turned out I had 67.5, 68.5, and 68lbs. So my entire life seems to have been compressed into approximately 200lbs of luggage. Not bad I guess, but there’s always the “There are people in Ethiopia…” argument.
Security checkpoint. Carrying my one-way ticket I expect the usual full cavity search reserved especially for one-way travelers. Any terrorist stupid enough to buy a one way ticket these days will have a long time to think about their mistake in guantanamo bay. Laptop out, shoes off, and through the metal detector which wastes no time in indicating my terrorist-tendancies by proclaiming, with a simple beep, that I have metal somewhere on my body. Turns out, I have metal on my jeans, in my wallet, in my pocket, and on my belt. And they even managed to find my contra-band green bic lighter. The bastards. However, the Lighter God to whom the TSA must sacrifice the thousands of confiscated lighters must be smiling down on someone with his butane colored face.
Boarding. With the cunning use of my sling, I manage to board the plane, seat 23F, while they are still boarding rows 45 to 33. I stared the Continental Agent of Plane Boarding in the Eye and won. I expect the usefulness of this tactic to decrease the closer I get to China.
As one could guess, it is mostly Japanese on the plane with a smattering of other ethnicities here and there Lucky for me, there is an empty seat between my self and my silent and apparently very cold Japanese row mate. He sat down and immediately wrapped himself in as many airline provided blankets as he could get his hands on. I hope to find him cocooned in a fine silk by the time we hit the Pacific Ocean. The seat between us immediately become a second storage space for both of us, each carfully considering the international protocol for unused seat space. A small de-militarized zone separates our possessions. Perhaps I can invade by Alberta.
Approximately 2pm New york time. Currently over Hudson Bay, Canada. On the overhead flight map screen we’ve traveled far more north than we have west. Not even past Chicago. Confidence in pilot’s navigations skills fading. Duty free cart rolling by, piled high with duty free liquor and cigarettes. What kind of business is that anyway? Would you like to buy a carton of cigarettes that you can’t smoke or how about a bottle of liquor that if you drink will inevitably lead to some sort of drunken outburst and a consequent visit to the Tokyo Narita Airport Drunk Tank. This is where all the duty free liquor purchasers predictably wind up. So stay far away from airline duty free solicitations. They even want exact change.
Still in the air. This flight is impossibly long. We are still eons from Japan. How did I ever get roped into this? How did I think a 13 hour flight would be a good idea? IN COACH! In fact, we’re nearing what seems to be the artic circle now. How can this possibly be the fastest way to Tokyo? Obviously, the terrorists have gotten to the cockpit and plan to make a daring low altitude fly-by of the Santa’s place on their way to making this flight as bad as possible for the passengers. It’s only about 3pm NY time now and the lights are all off as if we’re supposed to sleep. How???? You could get your 8 hours of officially recommended sleep and still be up in time to watch your 3rd movie. Diabolical planning by the flight attendant unions, I assume.
Time unkown. It is not even daytime in Tokyo, we have not even passed the midpoint of the Conintental USA. Someone, somewhere, is laughing at us very loudly.
Perhaps I didn’t mention that the longest flight I’ve bee on has been about 7 hours to Europe. That record is going to be shattered by what seems like DAYS at our current heading. The map shows our expected path as passing over the NORTH part of ALASKA. Yeah, and I know the world is round and all that but this can’t be right. I think I can squarely lay the blame on the powerful oil lobby. Forcing planes far off course in order to sell more oil and justifying it with some world wide conspiracy that the quickest way to places is actually much different that what it looks like on a map. Right. DAMN YOU EXXONMOBIL JET FUEL DIVISION!
Everyone is sleeping. Impossible. Obviously, I didn’t receive the drugged food that everyone else did. Must have been some Japanese code word you had to say in order to get the ether laced moist towelette. We are now on Loop 2 of the planes onboard entertainment system that on Loop 1 must have started 11 minutes before anyone got on, as that is how much I missed the beginning of the feature presentation of Robots starring Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, and Robin Williams. Imho, far better than the mediocre, at best, “The Incredibles.”
My legs are filling with blood from my brain and I’m failing to remember any of the recommended exercises that you’re supposed to do in order to keep things on the up and up with my blood flow. My row mate is no help here either since he hasn’t moved since lunch. I will now attempt to watch some BBC Top Gear while also saving as much battery life as chemistry will allow. Oh, electricity is a cruel mistress.
3:30pm NYT: If I were President, I would ban all children of the age prone to crying viciously and without regard for others from all flights. And the people would love me.
“Midnight Snack” was a hamburger with American cheese and some Edy’s Ice Cream. The burger was wrapped in plastic and microwaved. Who comes up with this stuff?
11 PM NYT: This baby has been crying for 3 hours non-stop. How that is even possible is beyond me.
